May you get rid of the negative influence of your original family and have a long and happy marriage.
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February 22, 2022, is called "the most loving day of the year".
on that day, the marriage registration halls of civil affairs bureaus across the country were crowded with happy people, and many couples chose to obtain licenses on this special day.
it was a seven-year-old girl who sat in the corner with her head down, saying nothing but picking her nails. It was obvious that she was very upset at the moment.
are parents who are applying for divorce certificates.
when you go to divorce with your parents at an early age, it is distressing to think about it in such a "day surrounded by love".
the news quickly went viral on Weibo, sparking discussion among many netizens.
among them, there is a high praise comment, expressing the public's concern:
parents' divorce has a great impact on their children, not only his character, but also his future marriage life and his ability to establish intimate relationships.
the netizen's concern is well justified.
as the old saying goes: the impact of parents' divorce on their children is lifelong.
the children of many single-parent families are affected by their parents' marriage from childhood to metropolis, and then bring this negative influence into their own marriage and fall into a "dead cycle" from then on.
however, native families are not a choice for everyone.
We cannot choose our parents or the environment in which we grow up.
but everyone has the free will to grow up, and we are completely free to choose the direction of our future life and get out of the life imprisoned by our parents' marriage!
at this point, I think of a person:
when Zhang Zhilin is mentioned, the public tend to think of his marriage.
the marriage between Zhang Zhilin and Yuan Yongyi is a "textbook" in the entertainment circle.
the mode of getting along with two people is a typical "she is making trouble, he is laughing", a pair of living "happy enemies".
many people think that Zhang Zhilin, who is so gentle and affectionate, must have a very happy family and childhood, right?
in fact, Zhang Zhilin's original family is quite different from what the public imagined.
in the variety show "Night in Greater Wan Chai", he talked about his past for the first time.
it turns out that when Zhang Zhilin was 14 or 15 years old, his parents chose to divorce.
Adolescent experienced parental divorce, and you can imagine how big the negative impact is.
but when people around him asked "is there any impact", Zhang Zhilin replied:
"of course, there is a good influence."
"my parents' divorce makes me cherish the people around me more."
Zhang Zhilin was not so optimistic from the very beginning. In fact, he experienced his parents' divorce twice.
in Zhang Zhilin's memory, the word "home" is full of quarrels or silence.
in daily life, parents always quarrel over trivial things, and after every quarrel, the home is suffocating silence.
his mother often complains in front of him about financial distress and his father's indifference to himself.
on the other hand, the father accused his wife of being lavish and indiscreet every day.
in this way, young Zhang Zhilin has become a "trash can" for his parents' emotions. As soon as he gets up every day, he is greeted by negative energy.
in such a broken native family, even though Zhang Zhilin's appearance is very superior, he is still unsociable at school and is very introverted.
when he got home, Zhang Zhilin burst into tears when he heard the news, and he could not accept this reality.
in the precocious Zhang Zhilin's heart, he knew his mother's grievances and understood his father's helplessness.
he always thought: "parents' emotional discord stems from their lack of reconciliation."
finally, thanks to Zhang Zhilin's efforts, the parents chose to remarry.
however, no matter how hard you try to repair a broken relationship, it will collapse one day.
in less than a year, Zhang Zhilin's parents chose to divorce.
after his parents divorced, Zhang Zhilin went with his father to live in Australia.
unfamiliar environment, different languages, broken family, all these factors make him more introverted, self-abased, and have no expectation of anything.
until he met Yuan Yongyi.
met, the two of them:
one is the champion of Sister Hong Kong and the best newcomer in the Academy Awards, and she has a bright future ahead of her.
the other is a rookie singer with no achievements, and his acting career is only in its infancy.
such a combination is bad for everyone, including Zhang Zhilin himself, who had no confidence in the relationship at first.
Zhang Zhilin's "lack of confidence" depends on two points:
the first point is the career gap.
he always believes that no matter how happy the marriage is, it will be destroyed.The usual chores are exhausted, leaving only chicken feathers on the ground.
just like my parents' marriage.
Yuan Yongyi saw Zhang Zhilin's worry and took the initiative to hold out her hands to him.
she chose to reduce her work at the peak of her career and began to run around, constantly recommending Zhang Zhilin to the people around her and silently supporting his career.
with Yuan Yongyi's support, Zhang Zhilin got more opportunities, and he firmly grasped them.
finally, Zhang Zhilin set a Hong Kong audience record with "Moonlight on the fifth day of October". He was completely popular!
after learning what Yuan Yongyi had done for himself, he began to re-examine his parents' marriage.
it happened that the words of a friend around him woke him up:
"Marriage needs to be run, just like doing business. Some people make money, while others naturally lose money and go bankrupt." But bankruptcy is not necessarily a bad thing, at least it is better than holding on. Don't think so much and do your job. "
this remark sobered Zhang Zhilin instantly, and he opened his mind:
the separation of parents has nothing to do with not doing well enough, let alone the "inevitable result" of all marriages.
although they seem to be "happy" together every day, they are actually pretending to be happy.
after separation, they found their own happiness, which is the best choice for them.
now, when I am with Yuan Anyi, that happiness is the true feeling of my heart and will not fade with time.
in 2001, Zhang Zhilin formally proposed to Yuan Yongyi.
when he got the license, he took Yuan Anyi to Australia and formed his own family under the witness of his father.
after marriage, he worked very hard on the marriage to avoid following the old path of his parents' marriage.
for example, Yuan Yongyi is born with a strong personality, and she is easy to be impatient when something happens. Because of this, the two people quarrel about trivial things in their daily life.
however, quarrels turn into quarrels, and Zhang Zhilin never has a cold war with Yuan Yongyi.
he deeply understands how much harm cold violence can do to families and children.
so every time after a quarrel, he will take the initiative to reconcile and communicate his ideas in time to avoid the next quarrel over the same problem.
Yuan Yongyi likes to buy designer bags, which almost everyone knows.
in Zhang Zhilin's eyes, her hobby is both expensive and meaningless, so he often complains.
but even though he complains, he has been working hard to make money behind his back, supporting his wife's preferences with actions.
in his words:
"whatever I can do, I will work hard. As long as she is happy, I will be happy."
so the media can often take pictures of him accompanying Yuan to go shopping; every time it is Yuan who is making trouble, and he smiles doting beside him.
of course, if any marriage wants to last, you can't just rely on one party to keep giving.
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Yuan Yongyi and Zhang Zhilin are constantly changing themselves for each other after they got married.
once upon a time, she only saw herself, and everything was based on her own feelings and emotions; after marriage, she often thought about each other and appropriately "accepted softness" when necessary to avoid escalating conflicts.
now, Zhang Zhilin and Yuan Yongyi have gone through 20 years hand in hand, but they are still sweet.
as Zhang Zhilin said:
"my parents' marriage taught me to cherish it; I was afraid of being 'apart' from her, so I would spend every moment with her with my heart."
Zhang Zhilin did it, and wherever he was, he would hold Yuan's hand tightly, as if he were afraid of losing her.
not only does he cherish his wife, but when he was a child in a single-parent family, he could empathize with the separation of his children from their parents.
so even if he works outside, he will often spend time with his son to avoid being absent from his upbringing.
We often say:
"parents' marriage is like a mirror for us. You live what you see."
in real life, however, there are always people who can consciously subvert fate by taking their parents' marriage as a mirror, and turn the point of failure of the original family into a "warning sign" of their future life.
Family trauma psychiatrist Ma de once said in the documentary "the Wisdom of Trauma":
Children who live in an unhappy and unhappy family atmosphere generally have two choices;
the first choice: think that you are not good, so it leads to discord between parents and tension in the family atmosphere.
another choice: leave your family and find another environment suitable for you to grow up.
with the increase of age, this kind of people is easy to produce a kind of "family backpot theory".
No matter what negative things happen, I will try to find the answer to the current suffering in the original family.
from then on, it got deeper and deeper.
however, when looking for reasons, such people ignore an important question: "yesterday is untraceable."
the past, no matter how much you hate, chagrin, and blame, can never be changed.
all you can do is to accept and change.
the past cannot be changed, but our view of the past can be changed.
Reconciliation with the original Family says: "if you want to reconcile with the original family, let your consciousness grow freely instead of being trapped by the original family."
what is the free growth of consciousness?
when we grow up, we have the ability to live on our own, and we should also have a sense of free growth and break away from the point of view instilled in you by our original family.
when a person's consciousness grows, looking back, they will find and understand the "limitations" of their parents.
teacher Zhang Defen, a well-known writer, once shared his story:
her childhood was full of mother's complaints, and in her mother's mouth, the world was full of suffering.
Zhang Defen became a successful writer when she grew up, but every time she came home, her mother would still complain to her about the troubles in her life.
but now in her eyes, her mother's things are trivial.
they are not always superior in cognition, and they are not always able to make the right decisions.
this is true of life, and so is marriage.
their management of marriage may not be as mature as you think, so their separation is not so difficult to understand.
they just made what they thought was the best choice at the moment.
therefore, face up to the trauma of the original family and understand the "limitations" of parents.
people who really have a sense of autonomy will know how to turn the harm caused by their original families into the right paths to a happy marriage without walking into the same swamp.
if you don't come from a happy family, please make sure that a happy family comes from you!
, may you get rid of the negative influence of your original family, and may we all have a long and happy family!