The hidden rule of Chinese relatives: estrangement while closeness
The hidden rule of Chinese relatives: estrangement while closeness
While keeping a proper distance from relatives, you should also lower your expectations of relatives.

I don't know since when, relatives have become an annoying group.

search for "relatives" on Zhihu, and the painting style often goes like this:

the second uncle and the third uncle don't do well, and they especially like to teach the younger generation a lesson. Seven aunts like to gossip about other people's parents when they have nothing to do. Nine times out of ten, even the children of their relatives are bear children.

from a warm and harmonious family to no one close to each other, what happened between us and our relatives?

relatives who try to be annoying

my sister's junior year is an important moment to choose the path of life.

she originally planned to do an internship in a company, work as a designer after graduation, and perhaps open a personal studio in the future. But the aunt is particularly opposed to it:

"is there any way out for a girl to be a designer? if she is tired and has no money, she might as well be a teacher like your cousin, stable and have a lot of holidays!"

she is like the kind of "warm-hearted" relatives we all have, not only with words, but also with practical actions to help you.

over time, the mother who originally supported her sister as a designer also began to waver, asking her sister to consider it.

We all agree that such relatives are really annoying:

"she doesn't care whether I'm happy or not, as long as I'm a teacher, she's happy. The point is that I can't hold a grudge against her!"

sometimes, young people are completely different from their relatives of the older generation in terms of values, but they have a blood relationship, so they sit together and talk forcefully.

out of respect for their elders, young people can only silently put up with the instructions of their relatives and are forced to agree with those old ideas.

it sounds like the young man is all aggrieved and his relatives are all annoying. But things are not so black and white.

Why does the aunt keep trying to persuade her sister to become a teacher?

isn't it because the son of my aunt's old colleague died of overwork last summer because he stayed up late every day.

at that time, he was only 35 years old, only half of his life had passed, and his mother turned white overnight and cried to death.

from then on, the aunt only believed in one rule: it doesn't matter if you earn more and earn less, peace is true.

even if she doesn't know that teachers are hard, she doesn't think dreams are more important than life.

her original intention was to hope that her niece would not be too tired and that her sister would not suffer the loss of her daughter in middle age.


No matter how low the possibility is, she tries to reduce it to zero.

relatives do not have such advanced verbal skills, they can only use unpleasant or even excessive words to express their concern.

sincere and old-fashioned persuasion often becomes meddling.

it's like going to my grandparents' house when I was a child, eager to shove all the good things on us in one breath.

the so-called interference in life is only out of urgency.

half-cooked relatives

because she is the aunt closest to her mother, we chose to understand her good intentions.

but if these words come from unfamiliar relatives, it is another explanation. A netizen from Zhihu summarized several major characteristics of contemporary relatives:

"I don't have much contact, but I manage a lot"; "I don't know it at all, but I pretend to be very familiar".

there are always a few relatives around us, who may only see each other during the Spring Festival, which is basically unfamiliar, but this does not prevent them from meddling in their business at all.

my cousin, who is 32 this year and is still single, is a key target for relatives to get married.

at the Spring Festival party, a relative dragged my aunt to ask questions:

"Why isn't Xiao Jie looking for a boyfriend?

Oh, she's not in a hurry, so you don't care?

A girl should be more attentive after she is over thirty. If she can't get married again, she will become an old girl. No one wants it. "

We don't remember this kind of relative at all, and when we ask, we know what kind of distant relative we can't hit at all.

I haven't seen each other for many years, because I recently added my aunt's Wechat, and I became acquainted with each other again.

my cousin was so angry that she wanted to roll her eyes: do I know you very well? Really eating their own rice, with the hearts of others!

although they are familiar to their cousins, it is only a kind of "fake familiarity".

Dou Wentao once mentioned one thing in the program "Roundtable School". Every day, his relatives meet with the security guards in the neighborhood and nod, and the security guards occasionally help carry things.

suddenly one day, the security guard said that his wife was coming from the village and asked his relatives if they could stay at their house for one night, which puzzled the relatives.


not all say that this is a typical conflict in a "fake mature society":

"you can't say it well, but you do know this man;

the terms he offers, which you think are right and wrong, are reasonable to him. "

the relationship between many young people and their relatives is in this state of "fake maturity".

in the view of the elders, as long as they are close to each other, they are a family, and they have the responsibility to teach the younger generation.

while the younger generation grew up in independent families, they did not have this kind of big family consciousness.

their definition of "familiarity" is that people communicate with each other frequently, which has nothing to do with blood closeness.

"not familiar at all, pretending to be quite familiar" is just an embarrassing situation caused by the difference in the logic of the two kinds of life.

relatives who have nothing to talk to

because it is fake, it is difficult to bridge the generation gap between young people and their relatives.

just like the elders who don't know Jay Chou, we begin to feel strange to the popular stars.

We can't talk to each other, and it's inevitable to visit relatives and friends during the holidays, so we have to chat.

when I thought of visiting my uncle's house and chatting about my life, several people began to yawn incessantly.

in order to break the silence, I asked my cousin about his grades, asked about his class ranking and intended colleges, and advised him to study hard.

when I got home, I was surprised how I had become the kind of relative I hated most when I was a child.

but in fact, I don't care about or remember his study at all. I just have nothing to say.

this may be a common problem among relatives.

because of their different ages and life experiences, they seldom see each other all the year round, and it is very difficult to have a common topic with each other. We can't talk to them about Marvel heroes, and they can't talk to us about their parents.

ask about study and work, timely exhort a few words, break the silence and show concern at the same time, the atmosphere is not too awkward.

most people, after asking and listening, forget that the next meeting will be the same old questions.

after all, every family has its own difficulties. There is a leftover girl in your family and low achiever in his family.

I'm tired enough to live my own life, so I don't have so much energy to take care of other people's affairs.

the wordy words of relatives are only during the holidays, and a few of them will call home every three days to urge others to be excellent.

the "meddling" we are extremely disgusted with may be wishful thinking.

even if relatives mean no harm, sometimes their gossip does cause us unhappiness.

the more I understand, the more I want to escape, thinking that the world will be clean.

but when you think about it, there are not so many satisfactions in our social life.

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if you don't like your colleagues, you should chat kindly with your colleagues. No matter how much you hate your boss, you should listen to him with a smile on your face.

and relatives are also part of the social network. It is a required course for adults to learn to deal with relations with relatives.

what young people have to do is to be a good younger generation. There is no need to be too affectionate, blur the boundaries of each other, nor too estranged, indifferent to the warmth of consanguinity.

in the face of the teachings of the elders, selective acceptance is that both parties have different life experiences, so there is no need to argue about right or wrong.

while keeping a proper distance from relatives, it is also necessary to lower expectations for relatives.

everyone has his own life to live, and relatives can't be expected to give selfless help in big or small situations like their parents.

after all, relatives are relatives, and relatives are only relatives.

instead of demonizing relatives, try to put aside your prejudices and learn to get along with them in another way.